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I`m okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing....



Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM tomorrow

morning in the main gym for us freshmen



You playin?



It`s a co-ed game, so it`s a good chance to see some hungover chicks run

up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully have them

back up into your morning dick wood while you D up...



That could be nice



You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers?



Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell em I`m all

situated here...



Good deal... I`ll be in the bathroom whackin it



(phone dials and rings)

...that`s because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered

off, hello?



Hey mom, I`m at school, I`m all moved in, everything`s great...



Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take?



You mean left or right or... what do you mean?



What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet?



There`s, like, five outlets and the window`s in the middle of me and

my roommate...



Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy or

snort heroine?



I didn`t ask him, mom...



Well, if he does, tell him you`re not interested... Not because you`re a

nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah(?)



Okay, ma, sounds good...



Yeah!



I gotta get goin, there`s an orientation party that`s mandatory for

freshmen to attend...



Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the other

kids, you say `hi, my name`s Tyler, here`s to a sweet first year at

college!`



Uh... okay...



You won`t, but you should



I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom...



You say hello! It`ll take you two seconds! They`re all at the dinner table

dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler`s on the phone!



(background)

Man: Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College!

Woman:Who`s on the phone?

Mom:Tyler, mom!

Other Man:Let me talk to the superstar!

Mom: Okay, here`s your brother!

Other Man:Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how`s it hangin?



Not bad, Pete... It`s pretty awesome here...



You gettin laid yet?



Nah, just unpacked...



But I`m sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few

asses, right?



Nooo...



How`s the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver?



Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn`t too

bad, either..

they actually served chicken parmigian...



Why don`t you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of

college jugs and have them for dinner, you fuckin dickwacker?



I`ll work on that...



DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we

figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober, cause

Ronnie James Dio is playin up there...



Oh, okay...



Tell your roommate I got his bed



Uh, you can sleep in my bed



That`s where Fitz is sleepin, you fuckin asshole!



Man:Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone!

Pete:Alright, dad! Sorry I didn`t go to college like Alfred Einstein

here, but

I`m a person too!

Dad:Just give me the phone, moron... How you doin kiddo?



Good, dad...



You enjoyin your freedom?



Yeah...



Don`t get anyone pregnant...



I won`t...



Okay... here`s your grandma



Dad, I don`t have time!



Dad:Say hello, there...

Grandma:Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop?

Pete:No grandma, it`s the pharmacy

Grandma:Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts

come in? Cause, like, we`re talkin about they`re starting to spread

towards the anus...

Pete:Hahahahaha!



Grandma, it`s not Dimitri, it`s Tyler...



Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren`t you here? We`re getting ready to eat!



Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to school...



Oh, how marvelous! Well, don`t study too much or you`ll drive yourself

bananas! Take some time for yourself too



Thanks, grandma, I will



College is supposed to be fun!



Yeah...



I had my first gal on gal experience in college!



Ooh...



Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for me!



That`s nice, grandma...



Alright, don`t pierce your nipples!



I won`t...



Pete:You didn`t know grandma dyked out before, did ya?



No, fortunately she never told me...



Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you

beat your meat!



Thanks...



Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello!

(fart)

Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef?



Yeah, nice job...



Four straight seconds! Let`s hear you rip one that long!



I can`t...



Damn right, you can`t! Cause they don`t teach that in one of your stupid

books! You`re either born with it or you`re not!



Yeah, you got the magic...



(doorbell)

Hold on a second, dildo, someone`s at the door...



I can`t hold on, I have to go!



Mom:Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay!

(Door opens)



You gotta be kidding me....



Man:Hello, there...

Mom:Bernie! What brings you over here?

Bernie:I`m just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week

Dad:That`s not my drill, Bernie!

Bernie:Well, I guess it`s mine! May I eat now?

Mom:Oh, that`s why you came over...

Bernie:Yes...

Dad:Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair

from the closet!

Pete:Why can`t grandma?

Dad:Just do it!

Bernie:Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how`s your health?

Grandma:My labia lips itch, but other than that, I`m fine... knock on wood!

Dad:See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy!

Grandma:True dat!

(Everyone laughs)



Hello? I have to go!!!



Pete:Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don`t crush that big hog of yours!

Bernie:Pardon me?

Pete:I said Tyler`s on the horn from college

Bernie:Quickly, give me the phone! (sniff) Why does this phone smell so

bad?

Pete:I dunno... I didn`t fart in it! But I think my grandma crapped

herself...

Bernie:Oh, okay.. Tyler, it`s Mr. Fetterman!



Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin?



Do you have a roommate, Tyler?



Yeah, I do...



I must speak to him immediately



He`s in the bathroom...



Go get him and bring him to me, now!



Okay... (knock) Hey Brandon!



Brandon:Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your

bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... (flush) Yeah? What`s up?



Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?



Yeah, sure... Hello?



Bernie: Hello to you, my friend!



Who dis?



The question isn`t who I am, the question is who are you?



Um... What does that mean?



It means you can`t escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn Tyler

into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to

your leader?



Uh... Come again?



What is your real name? Where do you hail from?



Uh, Brandon Seikz, Im from Oceanside, Long Island...



How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made

in a factory on the planet Yumnatz!



Really?



I know this because I too have radar!



I see...



We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult... The choice

is yours...



Umm... I`ll go with not difficult...



Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know about the

pidgeons, so that`s not gonna work anymore! I also have buried the blender

in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur!



Did not say you were...



Let`s call it a truce, or let`s call it the end of mankind as

we know it! Either

way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7?



Oh, I get it... I`m on the radio!



Then the message has been sent!



Tyler:Just give me the phone, Brandon...

Brandon:Nice talkin to yall!

Bernie:Die, alien!

Tyler:Sorry bout that, dude...

Brandon:Not a problem!

Tyler:Don`t worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control



I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery

pack, that`ll take him out of the game...



Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother...



Right... and remember, no glove no love, alright?



Yeah, I`ll remember that...



Nancy!



Pete:Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new

pussy friends!



I will...



Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy!



Mom:Stop cursing!

Pete:I wasn`t, mom!

Mom:Just go play with your cock and balls...

Pete:Right away, mom...



Alright, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?



Yeah, I did, mom...



Take the label off if you`re embarrassed for your roommate to see it...



I will..



Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to your room



Call ya? It`s probly gonna be late, ma!



That`s no problem, we`ll all wait up, bye bye! (click)



Man, my family aint easy to deal with sometimes...



Nobodys is!



What, your family`s a little nutty also?



Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let em know

I`m okay...



You got it, I`ll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out

Dee Snyder...



Good deal...(dialing and ringing)



Gay Robot: Hello?



Hey dad!



Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet?



I`m workin on it



Well, when you do, I`ll come visit so I can fuck all your new brothers!



You`re too horny, dad!



True dat!



Hahahahaha

Hahahahaha



Good times...



Great times...

I`m okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing....



Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM tomorrow

morning in the main gym for us freshmen



You playin?



It`s a co-ed game, so it`s a good chance to see some hungover chicks run

up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully have them

back up into your morning dick wood while you D up...



That could be nice



You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers?



Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell em I`m all

situated here...



Good deal... I`ll be in the bathroom whackin it



(phone dials and rings)

...that`s because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered

off, hello?



Hey mom, I`m at school, I`m all moved in, everything`s great...



Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take?



You mean left or right or... what do you mean?



What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet?



There`s, like, five outlets and the window`s in the middle of me and

my roommate...



Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy or

snort heroine?



I didn`t ask him, mom...



Well, if he does, tell him you`re not interested... Not because you`re a

nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah(?)



Okay, ma, sounds good...



Yeah!



I gotta get goin, there`s an orientation party that`s mandatory for

freshmen to attend...



Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the other

kids, you say `hi, my name`s Tyler, here`s to a sweet first year at

college!`



Uh... okay...



You won`t, but you should



I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom...



You say hello! It`ll take you two seconds! They`re all at the dinner table

dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler`s on the phone!



(background)

Man: Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College!

Woman:Who`s on the phone?

Mom:Tyler, mom!

Other Man:Let me talk to the superstar!

Mom: Okay, here`s your brother!

Other Man:Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how`s it hangin?



Not bad, Pete... It`s pretty awesome here...



You gettin laid yet?



Nah, just unpacked...



But I`m sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few

asses, right?



Nooo...



How`s the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver?



Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn`t too

bad, either..

they actually served chicken parmigian...



Why don`t you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of

college jugs and have them for dinner, you fuckin dickwacker?



I`ll work on that...



DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we

figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober, cause

Ronnie James Dio is playin up there...



Oh, okay...



Tell your roommate I got his bed



Uh, you can sleep in my bed



That`s where Fitz is sleepin, you fuckin asshole!



Man:Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone!

Pete:Alright, dad! Sorry I didn`t go to college like Alfred Einstein

here, but

I`m a person too!

Dad:Just give me the phone, moron... How you doin kiddo?



Good, dad...



You enjoyin your freedom?



Yeah...



Don`t get anyone pregnant...



I won`t...



Okay... here`s your grandma



Dad, I don`t have time!



Dad:Say hello, there...

Grandma:Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop?

Pete:No grandma, it`s the pharmacy

Grandma:Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts

come in? Cause, like, we`re talkin about they`re starting to spread

towards the anus...

Pete:Hahahahaha!



Grandma, it`s not Dimitri, it`s Tyler...



Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren`t you here? We`re getting ready to eat!



Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to school...



Oh, how marvelous! Well, don`t study too much or you`ll drive yourself

bananas! Take some time for yourself too



Thanks, grandma, I will



College is supposed to be fun!



Yeah...



I had my first gal on gal experience in college!



Ooh...



Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for me!



That`s nice, grandma...



Alright, don`t pierce your nipples!



I won`t...



Pete:You didn`t know grandma dyked out before, did ya?



No, fortunately she never told me...



Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you

beat your meat!



Thanks...



Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello!

(fart)

Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef?



Yeah, nice job...



Four straight seconds! Let`s hear you rip one that long!



I can`t...



Damn right, you can`t! Cause they don`t teach that in one of your stupid

books! You`re either born with it or you`re not!



Yeah, you got the magic...



(doorbell)

Hold on a second, dildo, someone`s at the door...



I can`t hold on, I have to go!



Mom:Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay!

(Door opens)



You gotta be kidding me....



Man:Hello, there...

Mom:Bernie! What brings you over here?

Bernie:I`m just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week

Dad:That`s not my drill, Bernie!

Bernie:Well, I guess it`s mine! May I eat now?

Mom:Oh, that`s why you came over...

Bernie:Yes...

Dad:Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair

from the closet!

Pete:Why can`t grandma?

Dad:Just do it!

Bernie:Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how`s your health?

Grandma:My labia lips itch, but other than that, I`m fine... knock on wood!

Dad:See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy!

Grandma:True dat!

(Everyone laughs)



Hello? I have to go!!!



Pete:Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don`t crush that big hog of yours!

Bernie:Pardon me?

Pete:I said Tyler`s on the horn from college

Bernie:Quickly, give me the phone! (sniff) Why does this phone smell so

bad?

Pete:I dunno... I didn`t fart in it! But I think my grandma crapped

herself...

Bernie:Oh, okay.. Tyler, it`s Mr. Fetterman!



Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin?



Do you have a roommate, Tyler?



Yeah, I do...



I must speak to him immediately



He`s in the bathroom...



Go get him and bring him to me, now!



Okay... (knock) Hey Brandon!



Brandon:Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your

bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... (flush) Yeah? What`s up?



Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?



Yeah, sure... Hello?



Bernie: Hello to you, my friend!



Who dis?



The question isn`t who I am, the question is who are you?



Um... What does that mean?



It means you can`t escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn Tyler

into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to

your leader?



Uh... Come again?



What is your real name? Where do you hail from?



Uh, Brandon Seikz, Im from Oceanside, Long Island...



How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made

in a factory on the planet Yumnatz!



Really?



I know this because I too have radar!



I see...



We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult... The choice

is yours...



Umm... I`ll go with not difficult...



Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know about the

pidgeons, so that`s not gonna work anymore! I also have buried the blender

in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur!



Did not say you were...



Let`s call it a truce, or let`s call it the end of mankind as

we know it! Either

way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7?



Oh, I get it... I`m on the radio!



Then the message has been sent!



Tyler:Just give me the phone, Brandon...

Brandon:Nice talkin to yall!

Bernie:Die, alien!

Tyler:Sorry bout that, dude...

Brandon:Not a problem!

Tyler:Don`t worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control



I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery

pack, that`ll take him out of the game...



Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother...



Right... and remember, no glove no love, alright?



Yeah, I`ll remember that...



Nancy!



Pete:Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new

pussy friends!



I will...



Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy!



Mom:Stop cursing!

Pete:I wasn`t, mom!

Mom:Just go play with your cock and balls...

Pete:Right away, mom...



Alright, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?



Yeah, I did, mom...



Take the label off if you`re embarrassed for your roommate to see it...



I will..



Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to your room



Call ya? It`s probly gonna be late, ma!



That`s no problem, we`ll all wait up, bye bye! (click)



Man, my family aint easy to deal with sometimes...



Nobodys is!



What, your family`s a little nutty also?



Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let em know

I`m okay...



You got it, I`ll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out

Dee Snyder...



Good deal...(dialing and ringing)



Gay Robot: Hello?



Hey dad!



Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet?



I`m workin on it



Well, when you do, I`ll come visit so I can fuck all your new brothers!



You`re too horny, dad!



True dat!



Hahahahaha

Hahahahaha



Good times...



Great times...

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